Happy Face / Frowny Face – Jan. ‘08

I know this may come as a shock to at least a few folks, but today the day has come where I have to use my big mouth to eat my words. The really strange thing about this is I’m actually happy about it because it means I have a new favorite starting quarterback and he’s the same as the old one I used to rant and rail about. Yup yup, it’s time for the monthly judgments handed down by none other than me, myself and I in the form of Happy Face / Frowny Face. In addition to talking a little football this month’s column also features a plea for artists to put down their non-record playing needles, an attempt to not be brainwashed by Tom Cruise, and a salute to a rock god. Enjoy!


Happy Face
Eli Manning- I know, wasn’t it just October that I was calling for this guy’s head? Yep, there's no denying that, but guess what, over the past month Eli Manning has matured into one heck of a quarterback. I don’t know what switch was suddenly turned on inside him, but he’s making smart plays, showing emotion, and being a real leader on the field. Mea Culpa. Eli, for bringing us to the Super Bowl I am officially putting you under my Jeff Van Gundy umbrella of protection. I know, a slight explanation is needed. You see, back in the day when the Knicks were struggling and JVG was on the hot seat I said if he ever lead us to the finals I’d support him from then on no matter what. Congrats Eli, since the Giants are in the Super Bowl you now fall into that category, and don’t feel too bad about all the heat you took your first three and a half years here, just ask Phil Simms about what he went through. Heck, just call up your same-stadium buddy Chad Pennington and talk to him about it. New York is not an easy place to play, but it looks like you’ve survived the roughest of times. Now let’s stomp all over Tom Brady’s team and win the Super Bowl!

Gene Simmons – He intentionally, as far as I can tell, got himself bounced from Celebrity Apprentice early, but for the episodes he was on the Kiss frontman proved he is, without a doubt, one of the coolest human beings on earth. His ways in business are the same as his ways with the ladies, cocksure and unyielding. Simmons also gave us our next great catchphrase during his three episode run. Every time he’d shake a businessman’s hand after a conversation he’d say “you are a powerful and attractive man.” Great stuff. Rock on.


Frowny Face
Musicians on Steroids– When the list of rappers and singers who had been buying steroids came out I had to laugh. Does everyone who performs for the public in some way feel the need to use illegal drugs to build muscle? Speaking as a gym rat, you can build plenty of muscle naturally, but I know, you don’t want to try hard and make a real effort, you want a quick fix, even if it costs you your testicles. A buddy of mine who works in U.S. Customs told me he busted someone who had a bottle of roids that had a warning, well, not even a warning, a straight up admission on the side that read “will shrink testicles.” No word on what else it may have done to the area of 50 Cent’s “Magic Stick,” but it can’t be good. Timbaland was another obvious user. Mary J. Blige, however, struck me by surprise. Guess she’s still a fan of those Real Drugs. It’s incredibly sad when the concept of style over substance has pushed people to do something that can potentially endanger their lives rather than attempt to do something artistically creative that could be potentially groundbreaking. Perhaps if the music industry addressed this rather than downloading they might be in a bit healthier shape right now.

Tom Cruise's Brainwashing Videos – It's amazing I can still find a working link to these affronts to reasonable thought because the videos keep getting taken down as soon as someone from the Church of Scientology notices they’re up. If you haven’t seen them yet feel free to click the link and feel the interesting mix of terror and revulsion that they instill. Apparently, at least according to the videos, Tom Cruise saved the fireman involved in 9/11 and scientologists are the only people who can really help in a crisis. Also, Cruise notes scientologists can instantly tell if someone is a liar. Really, Tom? Then how come you’ve bought into all the bullshit they’ve fed you to make you believe you’re some sort of Christ-like figure? Ugh! Side note: Happy Face within a Frowny Face to Jerry O'Connell for his hilarious parody of the videos and dead on Tom Cruise impression. Loved it!

Previous Months

December 2007
November 2007
October 2007