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Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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From A to B 90’s Style – Episode 14
Friday, April 10, 2009

2 in a Room, LFO, Sisqo and Paula Cole are four musical acts most people probably wouldn’t associate with each other, but they’re all together right here in the latest edition of From A to B 90’s Style! That’s right, fellow superstar journalist Bear Frazer and I are back to break down some more 90’s videos and flavor them with our unique brand of wit, wisdom and insightful commentary. Enjoy!

Adam: Let’s start with something funky.

Bear: That boom box is very red.
Adam: And she looks unhappy.
Bear: And there are a lot of dudes in bathing suits. Perez Hilton must be smiling at this.
Adam: Whoa! Go go gadget boombox!
Bear: Did air freshener pop out of there?
Adam: Here we go now, booties and boobies, the recipe for music video greatness.
Bear: It's not booty shaking, just booty wiggling, because, as we know, white girls can't shake their asses.
Adam: Look at the Colgate smile on that white girl.
Bear: And look at her white polka dot bikini.
Adam: Wait, I don't want to see any KIDS wiggle it. Damnit 2 in a Room!
Bear: Yeah, this isn't an episode of Barney and Friends!
Adam: "Dancin by yourself is bad for your health." I never knew that. Thank you 2 in a Room. The more you know… Come to think of it, I haven't wiggled it on a beach in a while.
Bear: I don't wanna know what you do on a beach.
Adam: Wiggle it with white girls and red radios. What do YOU do on the beach?
Bear: I shake it like a saltshaker, that's what.
Adam: Holy crap that dude died! It was only a four minute party and he died! Moral of the story - excessive exposure to wiggling it can cause rapid aging. The more you know…
Bear: Wiggling takes a lot out of ya.

Bear: I’m going to keep with “girls” theme with my first pick.

Adam: You have a hard on for Rich Cronin.
Bear: But only Rich Cronin. Look at them walk around. They're like, "hi girl."
Adam: And none of the ladies respond.
Bear: Ha ha, exactly!
Bear: So what do Larry Bird and Billy Shakespeare have in common?
Adam: They're both mentioned nonsensically in this song.
Bear: Exactly.
Adam: Damn, that last lyric was kinda rough. Way to mention her daddy issues. The cops shoulda busted this up. "Chief, I'm gonna need backup, there's a shitty boy band on top of this building."
Bear: These two other knuckleheads know this boy band is pathetic. They’re like, "do we really need to be here? I want to go watch Scooby-Doo." And did you see that? A big boombox, but it’s not red.
Adam: There are A LOT of Caucasians in this video.
Bear: And one dude who looks half Spanish.
Adam: Damnit, Rich Cronin stole my bike! He just admitted it!
Bear: Hey, I lost my Huffy bike when I was little.
Adam: I bet Rich Cronin stole that, too.
Bear: Rat bastard!

Adam: More beach scenes coming up with our next video.

Adam: This was a classic during my college days. As soon as the opening would come on every drunk girl got on the bar and turned into a stripper.
Bear: I like thongs.
Adam: You WEAR thongs.
Bear: Well I got dumps like a truck. What do you expect?
Adam: The only way this video could be better is if Sisqo wasn't in it.
Bear: These chicks be wiggling it a little bit more than a little bit.
Adam: That black light joint is EFFECTIVE! I think I'm gonna throw a blacklight bathing suit party and only invite girls.
Bear: You can impress them by doing cartwheels and flips GSP style. And look, ANOTHER BOOMBOX!
Adam: And the rest of Dru Hill!
Bear: Boomboxes were made for beaches
Adam: Dude, you should write ad copy. "Boomboxes were made for beaches."
Bear: I think Sisqo would rather jump in the air than look at a girl in a thong.
Adam: Ha ha! "Aaaah, girls! Cooties!" Whereas I would be like "hey girl, can I get your cooties."
Bear: And I would be like, “hey girl, I'll get your cooties… after you dance in a thong and check my emails,” because at the end of the day that’s what's sexy, a chick checking hotmail in a thong.

Bear: I’m going to bring a little variety to our list with my final pick.

Bear: Paula Cole looked like a mess in this video. And I loved it.
Adam: Way to bring the mood down, Bear.
Bear: Oh come on, a chick in pigtails can't cheer you up?
Adam: Remember how she was kinda hot till she showed she didn't shave her pits?
Bear: Why did you have to remind me of that?
Adam: And lady, I can handle the laundry, you help pay the damned bills. Hey, was that Chris Benoit on drums?
Bear: Ha ha! Why the hell doesn't she want to pay the bills? Can't she kick in some?
Adam: Yeah, for real, she has the singing career! This chick really wants to be a kept woman.
Bear: And to my knowledge, cowboys didn't make money. They killed buffalo… and people.
Adam: She wants a good cowboy to steal her some land and milk her a cow.
Bear: She be a gold digger.
Adam: Or a gold prospector. She wants a guy with a shiny gun. Missy wanted a "tote a glock boy." They should do a duet or something.
Bear: Evidently, though, this video proves one thing - there aren't any boomboxes in the woods.
Adam: Damnit. No camping for me!

Previous Episodes

Episode 13
Episode 12
Episode 11


posted by Adam Bernard @ 7:38 AM  
  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger Homeboy Sandman said…

    you and bear are nuts. no sleeping on how big a tune thong song was. wiggle it was the astoria, queens anthem.

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