Name: Adam Bernard Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome. See my complete profile
2 in a Room, LFO, Sisqo and Paula Cole are four musical acts most people probably wouldn’t associate with each other, but they’re all together right here in the latest edition of From A to B 90’s Style! That’s right, fellow superstar journalist Bear Frazer and I are back to break down some more 90’s videos and flavor them with our unique brand of wit, wisdom and insightful commentary. Enjoy!
Adam: Let’s start with something funky.
Bear: That boom box is very red. Adam: And she looks unhappy. Bear: And there are a lot of dudes in bathing suits. Perez Hilton must be smiling at this. Adam: Whoa! Go go gadget boombox! Bear: Did air freshener pop out of there? Adam: Here we go now, booties and boobies, the recipe for music video greatness. Bear: It's not booty shaking, just booty wiggling, because, as we know, white girls can't shake their asses. Adam: Look at the Colgate smile on that white girl. Bear: And look at her white polka dot bikini. Adam: Wait, I don't want to see any KIDS wiggle it. Damnit 2 in a Room! Bear: Yeah, this isn't an episode of Barney and Friends! Adam: "Dancin by yourself is bad for your health." I never knew that. Thank you 2 in a Room. The more you know… Come to think of it, I haven't wiggled it on a beach in a while. Bear: I don't wanna know what you do on a beach. Adam: Wiggle it with white girls and red radios. What do YOU do on the beach? Bear: I shake it like a saltshaker, that's what. Adam: Holy crap that dude died! It was only a four minute party and he died! Moral of the story - excessive exposure to wiggling it can cause rapid aging. The more you know… Bear: Wiggling takes a lot out of ya.
Bear: I’m going to keep with “girls” theme with my first pick.
Adam: You have a hard on for Rich Cronin. Bear: But only Rich Cronin. Look at them walk around. They're like, "hi girl." Adam: And none of the ladies respond. Bear: Ha ha, exactly! Bear: So what do Larry Bird and Billy Shakespeare have in common? Adam: They're both mentioned nonsensically in this song. Bear: Exactly. Adam: Damn, that last lyric was kinda rough. Way to mention her daddy issues. The cops shoulda busted this up. "Chief, I'm gonna need backup, there's a shitty boy band on top of this building." Bear: These two other knuckleheads know this boy band is pathetic. They’re like, "do we really need to be here? I want to go watch Scooby-Doo." And did you see that? A big boombox, but it’s not red. Adam: There are A LOT of Caucasians in this video. Bear: And one dude who looks half Spanish. Adam: Damnit, Rich Cronin stole my bike! He just admitted it! Bear: Hey, I lost my Huffy bike when I was little. Adam: I bet Rich Cronin stole that, too. Bear: Rat bastard!
Adam: More beach scenes coming up with our next video.
Adam: This was a classic during my college days. As soon as the opening would come on every drunk girl got on the bar and turned into a stripper. Bear: I like thongs. Adam: You WEAR thongs. Bear: Well I got dumps like a truck. What do you expect? Adam: The only way this video could be better is if Sisqo wasn't in it. Bear: These chicks be wiggling it a little bit more than a little bit. Adam: That black light joint is EFFECTIVE! I think I'm gonna throw a blacklight bathing suit party and only invite girls. Bear: You can impress them by doing cartwheels and flips GSP style. And look, ANOTHER BOOMBOX! Adam: And the rest of Dru Hill! Bear: Boomboxes were made for beaches Adam: Dude, you should write ad copy. "Boomboxes were made for beaches." Bear: I think Sisqo would rather jump in the air than look at a girl in a thong. Adam: Ha ha! "Aaaah, girls! Cooties!" Whereas I would be like "hey girl, can I get your cooties." Bear: And I would be like, “hey girl, I'll get your cooties… after you dance in a thong and check my emails,” because at the end of the day that’s what's sexy, a chick checking hotmail in a thong.
Bear: I’m going to bring a little variety to our list with my final pick.
Bear: Paula Cole looked like a mess in this video. And I loved it. Adam: Way to bring the mood down, Bear. Bear: Oh come on, a chick in pigtails can't cheer you up? Adam: Remember how she was kinda hot till she showed she didn't shave her pits? Bear: Why did you have to remind me of that? Adam: And lady, I can handle the laundry, you help pay the damned bills. Hey, was that Chris Benoit on drums? Bear: Ha ha! Why the hell doesn't she want to pay the bills? Can't she kick in some? Adam: Yeah, for real, she has the singing career! This chick really wants to be a kept woman. Bear: And to my knowledge, cowboys didn't make money. They killed buffalo… and people. Adam: She wants a good cowboy to steal her some land and milk her a cow. Bear: She be a gold digger. Adam: Or a gold prospector. She wants a guy with a shiny gun. Missy wanted a "tote a glock boy." They should do a duet or something. Bear: Evidently, though, this video proves one thing - there aren't any boomboxes in the woods. Adam: Damnit. No camping for me!