Name: Adam Bernard Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome. See my complete profile
2 in a Room, LFO, Sisqo and Paula Cole are four musical acts most people probably wouldn’t associate with each other, but they’re all together right here in the latest edition of From A to B 90’s Style! That’s right, fellow superstar journalist Bear Frazer and I are back to break down some more 90’s videos and flavor them with our unique brand of wit, wisdom and insightful commentary. Enjoy!
Adam: Let’s start with something funky.
Bear: That boom box is very red. Adam: And she looks unhappy. Bear: And there are a lot of dudes in bathing suits. Perez Hilton must be smiling at this. Adam: Whoa! Go go gadget boombox! Bear: Did air freshener pop out of there? Adam: Here we go now, booties and boobies, the recipe for music video greatness. Bear: It's not booty shaking, just booty wiggling, because, as we know, white girls can't shake their asses. Adam: Look at the Colgate smile on that white girl. Bear: And look at her white polka dot bikini. Adam: Wait, I don't want to see any KIDS wiggle it. Damnit 2 in a Room! Bear: Yeah, this isn't an episode of Barney and Friends! Adam: "Dancin by yourself is bad for your health." I never knew that. Thank you 2 in a Room. The more you know… Come to think of it, I haven't wiggled it on a beach in a while. Bear: I don't wanna know what you do on a beach. Adam: Wiggle it with white girls and red radios. What do YOU do on the beach? Bear: I shake it like a saltshaker, that's what. Adam: Holy crap that dude died! It was only a four minute party and he died! Moral of the story - excessive exposure to wiggling it can cause rapid aging. The more you know… Bear: Wiggling takes a lot out of ya.
Bear: I’m going to keep with “girls” theme with my first pick.
Adam: You have a hard on for Rich Cronin. Bear: But only Rich Cronin. Look at them walk around. They're like, "hi girl." Adam: And none of the ladies respond. Bear: Ha ha, exactly! Bear: So what do Larry Bird and Billy Shakespeare have in common? Adam: They're both mentioned nonsensically in this song. Bear: Exactly. Adam: Damn, that last lyric was kinda rough. Way to mention her daddy issues. The cops shoulda busted this up. "Chief, I'm gonna need backup, there's a shitty boy band on top of this building." Bear: These two other knuckleheads know this boy band is pathetic. They’re like, "do we really need to be here? I want to go watch Scooby-Doo." And did you see that? A big boombox, but it’s not red. Adam: There are A LOT of Caucasians in this video. Bear: And one dude who looks half Spanish. Adam: Damnit, Rich Cronin stole my bike! He just admitted it! Bear: Hey, I lost my Huffy bike when I was little. Adam: I bet Rich Cronin stole that, too. Bear: Rat bastard!
Adam: More beach scenes coming up with our next video.
Adam: This was a classic during my college days. As soon as the opening would come on every drunk girl got on the bar and turned into a stripper. Bear: I like thongs. Adam: You WEAR thongs. Bear: Well I got dumps like a truck. What do you expect? Adam: The only way this video could be better is if Sisqo wasn't in it. Bear: These chicks be wiggling it a little bit more than a little bit. Adam: That black light joint is EFFECTIVE! I think I'm gonna throw a blacklight bathing suit party and only invite girls. Bear: You can impress them by doing cartwheels and flips GSP style. And look, ANOTHER BOOMBOX! Adam: And the rest of Dru Hill! Bear: Boomboxes were made for beaches Adam: Dude, you should write ad copy. "Boomboxes were made for beaches." Bear: I think Sisqo would rather jump in the air than look at a girl in a thong. Adam: Ha ha! "Aaaah, girls! Cooties!" Whereas I would be like "hey girl, can I get your cooties." Bear: And I would be like, “hey girl, I'll get your cooties… after you dance in a thong and check my emails,” because at the end of the day that’s what's sexy, a chick checking hotmail in a thong.
Bear: I’m going to bring a little variety to our list with my final pick.
Bear: Paula Cole looked like a mess in this video. And I loved it. Adam: Way to bring the mood down, Bear. Bear: Oh come on, a chick in pigtails can't cheer you up? Adam: Remember how she was kinda hot till she showed she didn't shave her pits? Bear: Why did you have to remind me of that? Adam: And lady, I can handle the laundry, you help pay the damned bills. Hey, was that Chris Benoit on drums? Bear: Ha ha! Why the hell doesn't she want to pay the bills? Can't she kick in some? Adam: Yeah, for real, she has the singing career! This chick really wants to be a kept woman. Bear: And to my knowledge, cowboys didn't make money. They killed buffalo… and people. Adam: She wants a good cowboy to steal her some land and milk her a cow. Bear: She be a gold digger. Adam: Or a gold prospector. She wants a guy with a shiny gun. Missy wanted a "tote a glock boy." They should do a duet or something. Bear: Evidently, though, this video proves one thing - there aren't any boomboxes in the woods. Adam: Damnit. No camping for me!
B-Listers are a select group of artists that were featured in my Artist Of The Week series that ran every Monday from April of '06 to April of '11. All of these artists have two things in common; extreme talent, and a flight path far too under the radar for my liking. They took on the title of B-Listers as they embraced being featured by me, Adam B. Check out the AOTW Archives for all the interviews.