Name: Adam Bernard Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome. See my complete profile
We know you love it, which is why we’re back bringing you another installment of From A to B 90’s Style. The “we” is, of course, yours truly Adam B, and my journalistic partner in crime, Bear Frazer, and this month we have commentary for you on videos by Nine Inch Nails, Spin Doctors, Snow and The Verve Pipe. Enjoy!
Adam: Let's start with one of my all-time favorite hook-up songs.
Adam: Ya gotta have heart... miles and miles of heart! Bear: Now that looks like a very uncomfortable chair. I hope they don't sell that at Wal-Mart. Adam: Boobies at the 34 second mark! Bear: Sinead O'Connor nude. Hello! Adam: Is this Trent Reznor's basement? Where's Big Tigger? Bear: Who knows? I think the roach went to look for him. Adam: Wrong kinda roach. Bear: Uh oh, eggs have hatched. Trent Reznor is a monster. Adam: Jeez, can't he afford a maid? I guess it really is bad for artists now. Bear: Do all unfinished basements come with dinosaur eggs and nude Sinead O'Connors? Adam: And rotating pig heads. Bear: Can't forget the pig heads. There's good 'ol Trent again, spinnin' like a pinata. Adam: This probably isn't PETA's favorite video. Bear: Nah ... Dick Cheney, on the other hand, would probably dig this. Adam: I hear this was going to be his campaign song. Bear: Yeah, even old politicians are there, so he can shoot them instead of birds.
Bear: Great choice! My first selection is a classic, as well.
Adam: Here's to juxtaposition, from NIN to Spin! Bear: Hey! Look at these people flying up and down. Adam: This is a certified white person classic. Bear: Look at those colors and clothes… certainly the opposite of Project Runaway. Or is it!?!? Adam: Who played little miss can't be wrong in the video? I would like to know. Bear: How come this guy is so happy that little miss can't be wrong? Look, he's smiling? Maybe she is kinky. Adam: She's gone, that's why he's happy. Bear: White people are dancing and a black guy is playing guitar. That is fucking weird. Adam: I think the lead singer's shirt is made from a real chocolate milk cow. Bear: OK, so let's get this straight. Adam: Yes, paint fight! Toxic paint everywhere! Bear: Water color paint? 300 bucks. Artsy people using water color paint? 10 bucks. Shirt make out of a real chocolate milk cow worn by the spin doctors? Priceless. Adam: And if he had a dollar he might give you ninety nine.
Adam: Now it's time for some Canadian reggae!
Bear: Look, it's snow! And no, I wasn't talking about the rapper. How ironic is that? Adam: Fur bikinis! Bear: Damn, these girls are asking for a bite, frost bite, that is. And how does a turntable work in the snow? Where do the plug the chords into? Holes in the ice? Adam: It's plugged into Snow's dopeness. When you're as funky as Snow you radiate electricity. Bear: Snow the rapper's dopeness or the snow on the ground's dopeness? Adam: Man, we should go looking for girls in the snowy woods. Who knew that's where they're all hiding? Bear: Yeah. My mother always told me young men meet nice girls in church, but now, I'm thinking she is wrong. Adam: Definitely the woods, but I think we have to bring a DJ… with magic turntables. Bear: Yes, but without MC Hammer records. Adam: We need Lennon glasses, too. Bear: And those cool squirrel hats to match the fur bikinis. Adam: It's like Cinderella, except with dead animal skin. Bear: Snow is awesome because he has created his own language called Snowwanian. Adam: I tried to learn Snowwanian once. It didn't work out well. Bear: That's because you weren't in the woods.
Bear: Just for that I’m gonna go and get emo on ya!
Bear: They should replace the light bulb. Adam: Ah well, time to get depressed. I think I'll go make a sandwich or something. Bear: I'm depressed because The Verve Pipe disappeared. Adam: Emo boy. Bear: I love the camera movements. There so complex. Adam: Finally, a second shot. Bear: Oooh, hello hot chick with a cat's eye! Oh wow! There are some people behind them., maybe freshmen? Adam: This dude looks like he's mad he lost out to Benjamin McKenzie for the role of Ryan Atwood on The O.C. Bear: Well wouldn't you? The O.C. is a big show ... he could've made megabucks but instead, he is shooting a music video in the dark with one funky light bulb. Adam: I'm mad this dude got laid off of this. Bear: Even he knows. He's screaming, "Hi yah" Adam: Oh stop screaming you pansy! Bear: OK, so he isn't guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor. What gives? Adam: Well, thank God that's over. I swear, I've seen anti drunk driving ads that were less depressing than that video.