Name: Adam Bernard Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome. See my complete profile
It’s that time of the month again. No, not that time of month (I swear, is your mind always in the gutter?); it’s time for a new installment of the mind bogglingly popular series From A to B 90’s Style where I combine forces with fellow superstar journalist Bear Frazer to break down some classic 90’s music videos. This month we’re bringing you commentary on Veruca Salt, U2, Boyz II Men and The Offspring. Enjoy!
Adam: Let's get things started off with some hot chicks with guitars; Veruca Salt.
Bear: Oh, under the sheets. What a dirty little cracker girl... in white. Adam: WHOA, it's Slamball! Bear: Yeah and best of all I don't see that loser from The Real World. Oh wait, that was Extreme Dodgeball. Adam: “Warm us up and watch us blow?” Wowsers! Bear: Look at the one chick. She looks like a curtain. I just hope no one burns them at the stake Adam: Let me just say a threesome with the girls of Veruca Salt... hell yes Bear: Who put them in those ropes? That chick isn't enjoying it. It's like an atomic wedgie. Adam: What a great concept. They predated The Man Show's girls jumping on trampolines. Bear: I hope there aren't any four year-olds, or meth users, thinking "suicide." Oh, the things I would do with those lesbians. Adam: Are they both lesbians? Bear: I hope for my sake they aren't. Adam: Please, I picked their video, they'll sooo want me.
Bear: Alright, my first choice is a U2 song everyone seems to forget.
Adam: This is actually one of few U2 songs I like. Bear: I hate when people don't turn the water off all the way. Adam: I hear he slept with Lita. Bear: Yeah, and he turned her into a Luchagor. Adam: Rough life for The Edge there. TWO sexy women licking him. Bear: Oh damn, look at those girls. He's getting licked on but he’s not paying attention at all. Proves if you treat a woman like crap they’ll want you more. Adam: The Edge, he'll give you the shirt off his back while you do a little bondage to him Bear: This is getting a little too kinky for me. And why's that dude blowing him? Adam: And now we have blank screen. Another winner from Bear Frazer. Thanks for this riveting entertainment. Bear: LOL! What happened to the budget cost? Couldn't afford Bono? Adam: Aren’t those Depeche Mode's roadies? Bear: Edge is back. He must have remembered he was in the video Adam: Kick him! Kick him!!! Bear: That's more rude than not turning off the water. Adam: Still looks better than that foot scene from I Love New York. Bear: I heard one of those feet belonged to Stefani Tanner; the other, Anderson Silva. Whoa, this girl is shaking it like a saltshaker. Was that Shakira before anyone cared? Adam: I always cared. Bear: Hey, Jack Nicholson! He must have said, "we ran out of money for this video, so we're cutting you off now."
Adam: I feel the need to get funky, so my second selection comes from Boyz II Men.
Adam: Bear, where did we leave our matching outfits? Bear: In 1991. Hey, Geno’s Steaks! I've been there! Adam: That bass dude could get any chick he wants just by TALKING. Bear: I love that white background. It reminds me of The Gap... wait a second, I don't like The Gap. Adam: Damnit man, get off the can, we're shooting a video. Bear: They're so rude with the finger pointing. Where are their manners? Adam: Michael Bivins was like "whatever, I signed em and I gotta drop a deuce, just film it." Bear: That is one weird family album. Adam: No women, and who on God’s green earth is Sudden Impact!?!?! Bear: Why is the brick wall fluorescent? Where was this filmed? Rainbow street? Adam: Cuz it's Philly! Bear: Oh, that's right. Philadelphia is the city of platinum bricks. ?uestlove told me that.
Bear: Let's close out this episode of From A to B 90;'s Style with The Offspring.
Bear: Again, with the water Adam: Bear Frazer needs to pee Bear: It’s a bird... it's a plane... it's... Dexter Holland, whose friend hates his girlfriend. WHOO! Adam: The Offspring are really one of the truly underrated groups in rock history. Bear: They are. They're a band defining a generation. And the job rate. Adam: Daaamn, he flew like Charles Barkley threw him through that window. Hey, it’s WINK MARTINDALE! Bear: Is The Game on that talk show? No, that was Change of Heart, wasn't it? Adam: Yeah, that didn’t go so well for him. Bear: Where are they walking, to City Hall? Adam: What a remarkably racially diverse suburb. Bear: That girl is mad fine once she strips off her clothes. Adam: Eliot Spitzer hit that. Bear: Look at her run. She is about to fall flat on her grill Adam: And the fly white guy returns! Bear: So they walked 500 miles to explode a sewer? I hope Master Splinter doesn't rip their necks off.