Slanguage Police

Normally I’m no fan of the law, but just for today I’m going to strap on a policeman’s hat and play officer as it’s high time someone police all the slang that’s out there. There are some slang terms that need to be sent away, some that should be touted and some that should be brought back into our collective lexicon. Today, yours truly, Slanguage Officer Adam Bernard (clearly not pictured above), is going to lay down the law on these words.

Slang We Need to Lock Up

No Homo – This term was always the weak, less funny, version of Pause. Both have similar connotations, just at different parts of a conversation where someone says something that could be misconstrued as gay. For instance, if someone says “thanks for the beer, but why’d you give me so much head?” there is usually a pause after such a statement, which is when the witty person, and never the person who said the original sentence, would say Pause. The less than witty person would say No Homo in mid-sentence immediately before saying the “head” comment, or right after completing said "head" comment. The reasons why No Homo is significantly more wack than Pause are plentiful. No Homo is said by the person about to say something he thinks might be construed as gay, but there’s a chance nobody else is thinking this way, so by using No Homo they're outing themselves as someone who is either a bit of a homophobe, or is obsessed with thinking everything said is gay. Either way, they're a loser. No Homo has also made it almost impossible for one male friend to compliment another without some jackass chiming in that it sounds gay. Let’s get rid of No Homo and while we’re at it we can lock Pause up for a while, too. The actual silence is much funnier anyway.

Bitch / Ho – A lot of folks in Hip-Hop are calling for an end to the use of the words Bitch and Ho as they are offensive to women and work to create a culture of degradation. While I feel those are both admirable reasons to extricate words from our use my reasoning for getting rid of Bitch and Ho goes beyond that. Yes, they’re offensive, but from an emcee’s standpoint they’re also radically uncreative. Everyone has rhymed bitch and ho a billion times. It’s over with. There are dozens of other terms that can be used in their stead that could birth new levels of creativity, like Tramp, Trollop, Jezebel, Harlot, Moll and Strumpet (big ups to Nemesis Alpha for pointing that last one out on Friday’s radio show). Technically, if you’re playing the whole mafia role shouldn’t you be referring to your women as Molls? There are rhymes galore waiting to happen here, plus if you call an unpleasant girl at a club a Strumpet or a Trollop you’re much less likely to cause a scene and the smart girls at the bar will all dig your spectacular vocab skills.

Slang We Need to Work With

The Suck – The Suck, strangely enough, has roots that go well past message board posters, many of whom end up typing “Teh Suck,” and internet addicts. The phrase can actually be traced back to the Marines as they used the term as another way of referring to the Marine Corps during stressful times. Personally, I just enjoy calling things that suck “The Suck” because it’s such unbelievably bad English it’s downright enjoyable.

Slang We Need to Bring Back

Choad – Used mostly in my junior high days, Choad was another term for Jerk and has a more technical meaning of Dick. It was used on Beavis and Butthead and given a slight boost on South Park, but the word deserves more consideration for possible reentry into our slanguage files, especially as it can easily replace the less radio friendly Asshole. For example, “Hey Tammy, how did your date go last night?” “Terrible, he was a real Choad.” The pronunciation alone is so wonderfully descriptive that even if you don’t know the word you automatically know its meaning.

Grody – Much like Choad, Grody is a word that one can loosely figure out the meaning of upon first hearing it. Grody, again back in my junior high days, was another way of saying Gross. Ex. “Dude, that potato salad has been sitting outside for hours. I’m hungry, but it looks so grody I’m not touchin it.” Highly unimaginative, Grody lacks any of the poetic qualities of Choad, but is beautiful in its simplicity.

That’s all I have for ya this time, but rest assured, where there is terrible slang I will be there to lock it up. If anyone else has any words they’d like to see sent to the slanguage slammer nominate your most loathed and let me know!