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Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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Pop Shots - Emergency Room Edition
Monday, June 10, 2013

Welcome to your weekly dose of pop world musings. Covering all things pop culture, this week Pop Shots is hitting you with thoughts on everything from Miguel’s leg drop victim claiming to have some medical issues, to Paris Jackson’s unfortunate following in her family’s tradition of going under the knife, to Jennifer Love Hewitt announcing she’ll be in the market for a pediatrician soon, and since it’s Pop Shots you know everything is seasoned with a little bit of attitude.

* The victim of Miguel’s infamous Billboard Music Awards leg drop is now claiming the incident has resulted in her having brain damage. Being that she was going crazy for a performance by Miguel, however, I’m betting it’s a preexisting condition.

* Because the internet isn’t filled without enough examples of bad parenting, Miley Cyrus is asking her fans to send in videos of themselves twerking to her new song, “We Can’t Stop” (if you don’t know what twerking is, Google it, witness it, then clear your search history immediately). Someone from her team will put together the wildest clips for a “best of” video that is sure to melt R. Kelly’s computer. Once the finished product is completed, everyone who watches it will have to register as a sex offender.

* Paris Jackson, the 15 year old daughter of the deceased king of pop, Michael Jackson, attempted suicide last week after her mother wouldn’t allow her to go to a Marilyn Manson concert. The suicide attempt reportedly involved taking 20 Motrin, and cutting herself with a meat cleaver. With all due respect to Paris, I think she got her bands mixed up. Cutting yourself is way more of a Papa Roach thing.

* Justin Bieber, and his agent, Scooter Braun, are planning to travel to space via Virgin Galactic. The six passenger space shuttle, Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo (what the heck happened to SpaceShipOne!?!), takes customers 62 miles above earth. I know Richard Branson has all the money in the world, so we can’t really bribe him to leave Bieber and Scooter up there, but there’s gotta be something he wants that can’t be bought with money, and I say we find out what that thing is and give it to him in exchange for what we want, even if it involves a human sacrifice. Obviously that’s not optimal on our end, but if it does comes down to that, Paris Jackson seems available.

* After a life saving liver transplant, legendary rocker Lou Reed says he is “bigger and stronger than ever.” When asked for comment, the liver said, “I’m where now? Son of a bitch!”

* Jennifer Love Hewitt has announced she is both engaged and pregnant. Her pregnancy means all the stars of I Know What You Did Last Summer have procreated, which I’m fairly sure opens a portal to another dimension.

* Beyonce’s team is telling anyone who will listen that Blue Ivy is not getting a little brother, or sister, as Mrs. Jay-Z is not, in fact, pregnant. For someone who’s so obsessed with being viewed as perfect you know it’s gotta grate on Beyonce that people are looking at her and thinking she’s with child. She’s probably already fired her personal trainer, midriff stylist (I don’t know if that’s a real job, but it sounds like the kind of thing she’d pay someone to do), and requested that when she arrives in a city every resident’s camera and cell phone be confiscated.

* Nine Inch Nails have announced a new album, Hesitation Marks, due out September 3rd, and a new tour, which will run from October 14th through November 8th. Groupies, however, may be disappointed to learn that due to his age, Trent Reznor will no longer be wanting to fuck anyone like an animal, instead opting to fuck them like someone who wants to take a nap before their show, and could really use some time to check out the Pinterest accounts he’s following.

* Gucci Mane gave some mentor-like advice to troubled rapper Chief Keef this past week. In an interview with Power 107.5FM in Columbus, OH, the man with the ice cream cone tattooed on his face said, “I take responsibility for some of that bad stigma that comes from me. A lot of the things I have done, I regret. And a lot of it [I warranted]. A lot of it, it be false claims... Media take it and make they own assumptions... A lot of things don’t have a lot of truth in them... My advice would be to him (Chief Keef), and any other young guy, is to learn from... try not to do the same thing that I did.” Seeing how Chief Keef’s mind has worked (or, more precisely, not worked) in the past, I imagine he’s in a tattoo parlor right now telling the artist, “nah, not an ice cream cone on my face. Gucci told me not to be like him. Let’s switch it up and make it a frozen yogurt.”

* Finally, Colette Carr’s “Mes Amis” is a perfect summer song. It should be part of the soundtrack to every bbq and party from now until September. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to find a video for it on the web, so here’s hoping this clip I’m embedding from a French site doesn’t get taken down by the time I post this.

And with that, my time is up for the week, but I'll be back next week with more shots on all things pop.


posted by Adam Bernard @ 7:00 AM  
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