About Me

Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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A New Assault On The Eyes
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I was going through my regular workout routine the other day at the gym when a girl caught my eye. I hadn’t seen this girl before but she was looking good. Her legs were perfect, her face was nice and she had great abs, but there was one very big problem with her, she was orange, yes ORANGE. I looked around and noticed a few other girls who had a tint to their skin that was similar, not quite orange yet, but you could tell they were well on their way to looking like they ODed on beta-carotene. I thought to myself, wow, how awful that these girls feel the need to tan till their skin is a hideous non-human color. The original girl with the killer body, whether she cared or not, became significantly less desirable due to the fact the she was both impossible to look at and impossible to turn away from, but it was no longer her beauty that made you want to look, it was the fact that she looked like some kind of freak.

The next day I was watching TV and saw an ad for a moisturizer that touted the fact that it will not only heal one’s dry skin but tint it, as well. In the ad the women were, yep, you guessed it, turning orange. This is a fad I can’t wait to see die. Personally I like to see women with the natural skin color God gave them. OK, if you’re out in the sun a lot it’s perfectly acceptable to have a tan, but unlike with tanning beds, sprays or lotions, the tan the sun gives you actually looks tan. I cannot imagine trying to muster up attraction for a woman who’s skin is a tone that is not of this earth. Once upon a time we were all worried about little green men from Mars, I think that right now on Mars they’re worried about orange women coming down from Earth. Seriously ladies, is your goal really to look as ridiculous as the gold girl from American Idol? Remember, when you get older you’ll look more like the old woman from There’s Something About Mary.

There’s a very easy moral to this story. One, if you’re single and you’re in the tanning salon a lot, get out, it’s one of the reasons you’re single. Guys don’t like tinted freaks. Take that time you were going to spend in a tanning bed and read a book, do something that actually betters yourself as a person. Two, if you have a man and you’re orange, he’s not digging you because of that he’s digging you in spite of that. We will put up with a lot for the women we love, so if you’ve already managed to hook a man despite looking like a skinnier version of Syracuse’s Otto the Orangeman congrats to you, but I can assure you your man would rather see you looking normal so please get out of the tanning salons and back into reality. If you want a perfect example of why you should get out now look at Hulk Hogan, he’s turning purple. Do you really want to be a purple person? Do you really find Barney the dinosaur to be an attractive potential mate? I hope so, because if you stay in that tanning bed that’s all you’re going to be able to get.

I know there are a lot of girls, and guys, who feel tanning makes them look younger and fresher. In reality a good tan does look nice, but a good tan comes naturally. One can get a good tan while sitting at a ballgame, or playing sports outside, or even having a picnic. There’s no need to bring electricity, man, and his consistent ability to make mistakes into that mix. Once you start thinking of tanning as something to do rather than something that happens naturally you not only don’t look fresh and young, but you look the exact opposite, old before your time as your skin becomes a disgusting manifestation of what used to be beauty.

All in all I’m disappointed with the tanning fad as it further limits the number of girls out there I can date. Like I said, I’m just not attracted to orange girls and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
posted by Adam Bernard @ 1:12 PM  
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