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Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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My Ratner List
Thursday, November 17, 2011

A couple weeks ago Brett Ratner (pictured above) went on Attack of the Show to promote his movie Tower Heist and told a story about “banging” former AOTS co-host Olivia Munn. The only problem was it wasn’t true, and Ratner copped to the fact that he was lying a few days later. The story had made its way around the net by then, though, and it got me to thinking - which actresses would I like to completely lie about “banging” to promote something I’m releasing (or perhaps something I’ve already released, like my e-book)?

Because sometimes I really have nothing better to do in a day, I put together a list, breaking it down into categories. Oh, and this is for comedic purposes only, so women’s groups, don’t email me about how big of a pig I am... until you hear about me “banging” one of the following (click on any of the pics to enlarge)...

The O.C. Collective

Emmanuelle Chriqui / Olivia Wilde / Rachel Bilson

I know, a lot of you see Emmanuelle Chirqui and immediately think of Entourage and her character, Sloan. So why is she in my O.C. Collective category? The reason will have you wishing you watched The O.C. (don’t worry, it’s still in reruns on SoapNet). Chriqui played a character on The O.C. that had a lesbian relationship with Olivia Wilde’s character. Yeah, you see what you missed by assuming it was a girly show - a hookup between two of the hottest women on TV! Rachel Bilson has always been on my list, but she’s almost too cute to involve in such scandal. Also, if she ever asked me about her current show, Hart of Dixie, I wouldn’t be able to answer a damned thing about it. Still...

A Couple Liars

Lucy Hale / Shay Mitchell

I wanted to list the entire female cast of Pretty Little Liars. Heck, even some of the moms are hot. That would have been cheating, though. (Cheating? How? I didn’t create any rules like that! - Hey, inner monologue, shut up, this is my blog!) Lucy Hale plays a character that was romantically involved with her English teacher. As a writer, knowing she, or at least her character, finds English sexy works for me! Shay Mitchell earns double points for having also had a two line role on Degrassi back in the day.

Foreign Affairs

Janet Montgomery / Nina Dobrev / Nazanin Boniadi / Azita Ghanizada

This group represents the UK, Bulgaria, Iran and Afghanistan. If I feel the need to cause not just a national, but international incident with my fabricated tryst any one of these women would be a fantastic choice. Plus, being that I don’t travel internationally, I’m not even concerned about being banned from foreign countries - not that I had Travelocity alerts set for Iran or Afghanistan - so bring on the controversy! (As an aside, if you’re a fan of symmetry, the two lines Shay Mitchell said on Degrassi were to a character played by Nina Dobrev.)

The Girl Next Door
(If my building was a lot more awesome)

Sara Underwood / Minka Kelly / Alison Brie / Jennifer Morrison

I’ve wanted Sara Underwood ever since she started showing off her perky personality on Attack of the Show. Fake banging Minka Kelly would be especially rewarding as I would also find a way to work into the story that I converted her to being a Mets fan. Alison Brie is ten kinds of awesome. Jennifer Morrison’s hotness wasn’t shown nearly enough on House, but her stint on How I Met Your Mother really let it shine. She definitely has that “holy crap look at what the girl next door grew up into” thing goin on.

So there’s the list I’ll be choosing from when I create my Brett Ratner - Olivia Munn “banging” story. Incidentally, I think Olivia Munn is gorgeous, and when I interviewed her she was super cool, but she’s already been involved in one fake banging incident, so I felt it only right to not involve her in another. See, you thought I was a pig, but it turns out I’m really a gentleman. Now don’t you feel bad for judging me!


posted by Adam Bernard @ 7:28 AM  
  • At 11:05 AM, Blogger Always Home and Uncool said…

    I don't get the fascination with Olivia Munn other than her willness to wear skimpy clothes on TV. Oh. I guess that explains it.

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Adam Bernard said…

    I've always liked Olivia because she's willing to go the extra mile for a laugh. She also truly appreciates her fan base, signing every magazine they send to her. I don't know of any other celeb that does that.

    My lone beef with Olivia is that she was sick, and not at work, the day I went to Attack of the Show. How dare she get sick when I was in town!

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