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Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
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Jingle Ballin
Wednesday, December 24, 2008

In the realm of holiday Hip-Hop there’s little doubt that Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” is the king of all Christmas raps. What many folks may not realize, however, is that it is only one of many holiday themed rap songs that have come out over the years. In fact, there’s a little something for everybody, no matter what genre of Hip-Hop you may enjoy. There’s hood Christmas music, booty Christmas music, even horrorcore Christmas music. In other words, there’s absolutely no reason for your holiday office party to be so damned lame.

For aficionados of east coast hood rap the Dipset crew has provided not one, but two CDs of holiday classics (and yes, I’m using the word “classics” as loosely as humanly possible). First there was 2006’s A Dipset Xmas by Jim Jones. This album was half holiday cheer (again, I’m using words loosely here) and half regular Diplomats tracks. So whether you wanted to be “Ballin on Xmas,” or simply hear the remix to “We Fly High,” this CD provided it. The crew followed up A Dipset Xmas with this year’s A Tribute to Bad Santa, which was just released last month. Who would have thought Harlem’s purple parka wearing gangsters would have such an affection for December 25th?

OK, so maybe east coast gangsterisms aren’t your idea of holiday cheer. Let’s go down south then (in more ways than one), where back in 1994 Luke, of 2 Live Crew fame, released Christmas at Luke’s Sex Shop. This is the album that will have your Christmas party guests saying “is that reindeer I hear on the roof? Oh no, that’s just the Miami bass sound of the Christmas music!” In fact, once people get drunk enough at your office party, put this album on and see how that sexy secretary reacts when songs like “Ho Ho Hoes” or “Christmas Spliff” come on. I’d wager that this is the only Christmas album you can get a table dance to. The clean version of the CD, which was filled with totally different songs, was called Christmas at Luke’s House, but honestly, who shops for clean Luke CDs?

Moving to another part of the south, in that same year of 1994 Master P was just a struggling entrepreneur with an upstart label. No Limit Records had regional recognition and with his group, West Coast Bad Boyz, the man who would eventually make a nation say “uhh” released an EP titled High Fo’ Xmas. There was limited distribution of the EP, and for those lucky enough to find it anywhere today it usually goes for somewhere in the neighborhood of $30-$50. The title track alone tells you where things are headed on this one, but in addition to “High Fo’ Xmas” there’s also “Lock Up Fo’ Xmas.” I’m guessing the latter can cause one to long for the former.

The hood doesn’t have a stranglehold on holiday Hip-Hop, though. Horrorcore aficionados can take heart in knowing that the Insane Clown Posse have penned holiday classics for everyone’s - or perhaps just someone’s - enjoyment. Once again in 1994, which shall heretofore be referred to as “The Year Christmas Got Gangsta,” ICP released a four song EP titled A Carnival Christmas. In 1997 the EP was reissued, but with only two of the songs, the heartwarming “Santa’s a Fat Bitch,” and the violent fairytale “Red Christmas,” which culminates with Violent J getting shot by old St. Nick himself! Forget giving out lumps of coal, this Santa’s dealing in buckshot and you better do all you can to stay off his “naughty” list.

Finally, you had to know I wasn’t going to let the current underground scene take a backseat during this holiday season. This is where Chaz Kangas comes in (myspace.com/chazraps). Chaz, an emcee who is originally from Minnesota but now calls New York City home, has brought listeners not one, but two Christmas classics. In 2006 he released “A Chaz Kangas Christmas,” which featured startlingly accurate lyrics about sitcom Christmas specials, ranging from Full House to South Park, and a hook that borrowed a line from the Methods of Mayhem song “Get Naked.” Last year Chaz followed up “A Chaz Kangas Christmas” with “2 Girls 1 Christmas,” which was, of course, named after the scat porn internet sensation 2 Girls 1 Cup. Now, most people wouldn’t put scat porn and the birth of Jesus anywhere near each other. Thankfully, Chaz Kangas isn’t most people, and, come to think of it, when I saw that video for the first time my reaction was “JESUS CHRIST!”

Now that you have an idea of all the different kinds of holiday Hip-Hop that’s out there I invite you to discover the joys of surprising your friends, family and coworkers, with some of this magic. Pick up an album or two and when the boss isn’t looking put a little bit of swagger into your office party’s playlist. Remember, you’re not gonna bag that hot secretary with Bing Crosby on.

Story originally ran in the FairfieldWeekly.


posted by Adam Bernard @ 3:00 PM  
  • At 4:33 PM, Blogger Paul Gargano said…

    Awesome piece... I laugh out loud at the prospect of a bunch of stuffed suits grabbing the Advocate on their way to work in the city, and getting to your article somewhere just past Darien. Happy reading, folks!

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