A Letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

How was your vacation in Cabos… and what exactly were you vacationing from? Anyways, it’s great to hear you’re back now, but I read that you’re planning on staying home this Sunday and not attending the Giants – Cowboys playoff game in your home state of Texas. I must say, this is a terrible decision, as your boyfriend, Cowboys starting quarterback Tony Romo, needs you there for him. I mean, if he loved you he’d want you there, right? So why aren’t you attending?

Jessica, without you in the stands how will Romo be able to work up the energy to go 13 of 36 again and throw three interceptions? Trust me, he wants you there, and more to the point, as a Giants fan, I WANT YOU THERE! If I had tickets I would give them to you. I’d love to see you in the players wives / girlfriends / random whores picked up at a bar last night section of the stands rooting on your current beau. In fact, here’s how much I want to see you there.

If you, Jessica Simpson, attend this week’s critical second round playoff game I will bathe myself in a sea of Proactiv products. OK, that might do a little something for me, too, as I hear there's a chance that stuff actually works, so lemme see, what else can I do for you? A ha! Jessica, if you attend this week’s game I will buy and watch The Dukes of Hazard DVD, including whatever commentary you have blessed it with. Oh it would be worth it to hear you ramble on and on about how tight your shorts were or how impressed you were with Johnny Knoxville’s acting ability just to know that my Giants will be winning on Sunday.

You know I also have a radio show, right Jessica? Well, if you show up at the game and yell really loud so Romo knows you’re there I will dedicate an entire episode of my radio show, The Adam B Experience, to nothing but your music on a continuous loop. Losing all those listeners for the evening won’t be nearly half as heartbreaking as not seeing you in the stands this Sunday negatively affecting your boyfriend’s performance.

Still not convinced you should go? Well, I didn’t want it to come to this, but I guess it just might. Jessica, if you show up at Sunday’s game I will sit through Blonde Ambition in its entirety. From what I hear this is a task of Herculean proportions that even the most seasoned of movie critics have failed to accomplish, but Jessica, if it will get you to accept that comp ticket you know Tony Romo has waiting for you it will be worth it.

If, even after all that I have offered, you still feel that you’d rather not attend this Sunday’s game I do have a backup plan you should be aware of. I will call all of Romo’s famous exes, from Carrie Underwood to Sophia Bush… yeah, I know, those are the only ones, but stay with me here… and make sure they attend the game in your stead. Now if those ladies won’t accept the ducats I will have to resort to my wicked, evil and downright unfriendly plan C.

Plan C is an intricate plot, but one that I see as possibly working. You know all that plastic surgery your sister has had on her nose and chin in an attempt to look more like you? Well, from a distance of, say, the field to the luxury box it’s damn near impossible to tell you two apart anymore. Slap a girlie white and pink Romo jersey on Ashlee on KAPOW you have an instant Jessica Simpson clone. She’ll even lip-sync your cheers from the Philly game. Romo won’t be able to tell the difference until after all is said and done and at that point the NFC will be ours. Bwahahahaha. GO GIANTS!

In fact, screw all the other stuff, I’m gonna get Ashlee on the phone and see what her and Pete Wentz are up to this weekend. I bet they’d love to go to a football game.

Related Links

idontlikeyouinthatway.com: Jessica Simpson is Poison
Page Six: Jessica Won’t Bring Bad Luck Back to the Cowboys
Yahoo Sports: Box Score – Philadelphia 10, Dallas 6