Celebrity Resolutions for 2008

At the start of each year many people lay out one or two things they plan to do, or not do, to improve their lives. We’ve all said we’d drink less, read more, do charity work, or something along those line on an early January morning and some of us even stick to those goals. With 2008 arriving I wanted to take a few minutes to make some resolutions for some famous folks who might not have had the time to make them for themselves. From pregnant teen actresses to rappers to reality TV personalities, here are my Celebrity Resolutions for 2008.

Jamie Lynn Spears – In 2008 Jamie Lynn Spears should resolve to pop her kid out in the most hilariously inappropriate place possible just to make the headlines even better. Gas station bathroom? K-Fed’s den? Scientology church with Katie Holmes watching? Backstage at a VH1 taping with Dave Holmes watching? C’mon, give us something good!

Jay-Z – In 2008 Jay-Z should resolve to actually retire. A terrible run as President of Def Jam and fading interest in his work should be enough of an indicator that it’s time to let go. He’s already past his prime, so it’s impossible for him to retire at the top of his game, but any more albums would only detract from his legacy as an artist (and don't tell me how great his new album is. If it was so great why didn't you go out and support it?). To put it bluntly, nobody wants to remember Joe Namath in his Rams jersey.

New York (from VH1’s I Love New York) – In 2008 New York should resolve to actually make it work with Tailor Made if only so that I never again have to accidentally see some random dude sucking on her toes while I’m channel surfing to see what’s on. There is no porcelain throne large enough to contain the vomit I will spew if I see something like that again.

The Girls from MTV’s The Hills – In 2008 the girls from MTV’s The Hills should resolve to do something to actually earn their celebrity status. Every time I see a news item on a gossip blog and I have no idea who the girl they’re talking about is it turns out they were on The Hills. Newsflash, if the only thing you’ve done is a scripted “reality” show followed by appearing at parties you’re not actually famous (and yes, I know by listing them here I’m not exactly helping the situation).

Soulja Boy – In 2008 Soulja Boy should resolve to attend his English classes. If he started showing up and listening maybe he could string together coherent sentences in his work and have a catchphrase that’s more than three letters long. Just a thought.

Jessica Simpson – In 2008 Jessica Simpson should resolve to attend as many Dallas Cowboys games as possible. Hey, I’m a Giants fan, I love watching the Cowboys lose. I’d buy her season tickets if I could.

Kid Rock – In 2008 Kid Rock should resolve to keep being Kid Rock. Much like Snoop Dogg, Kid Rock is slowly but surely entering that nearly impossible to reach place in Americana known as “eternally cool.”

Mandy Moore – In 2008 Mandy Moore should resolve to do something noteworthy, in a positive way, to get herself back in the spotlight. One of the more underrated talents out there, at only 23 Moore’s already had a platinum album, multiple major film roles, and a guest stint on the greatest show on television, Entourage, but she still doesn’t seem to have the mainstream notoriety one would expect to come with such accomplishments. We need to see more of you Mandy… just make sure it’s not in that Britney Spears / Waxamillion “No Panties On The Dance Floor” kind of way. Keep it classy!

Lil’ Wayne – In 2008 Lil’ Wayne should resolve to stop giving mediocre rappers and singers dope choruses and verses and start focusing on putting out another album of his own. Note, I said another album, mixtapes don’t count!

Tila Tequila – In 2008 Tila Tequila should resolve to pick me for season two of Shot At Love. C’mon, you know I’d rock that show.

I could go on forever with these, but I think ten is a nice round number to stop at. And for those keeping track, I didn’t plan on making two Tila Tequila references this week, it just happened. (Pick me!)