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Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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Adam The Mediator
Friday, December 01, 2006

Lindsay vs. Paris - Who but I can solve their issues?

On this site I’ve said a lot of things over the years. Some have said I love to criticize while others have gone as far as saying I’m a (gasp) “hater.” Well, guess what, I do love to criticize, it’s one of the great aspects of being a critic! I, however, am no hater. In fact, I’m going to take today to be a mediator and bring some feuding folks together. That’s right, on this momentous day I, Adam Bernard, am going to be a healer of celebrity skirmishes, a referee for the fighting fabulous, a voice of reason for those not given the gift of that voice themselves. So sit tight rich and famous, Adam’s here to help.

Celeb Fight #1: 50 Cent vs. Oprah – A lot of people read my thoughts on Oprah vs. Hip-Hop earlier this year, but 50 Cent decided to remind us of this battle just the other day when he said that he felt Oprah has become a middle aged white woman. In his own words, "(She) started out with black women's views but has been catering to middle-aged white American women for so long that she's become one herself.” I’ve interviewed 50 a number of times and know him to be a smart businessman with a pretty good sense of humor, but in this case I have to say you need to check yourself homie. I’m not going to say you’re wrong in this instance, because it’s purely your opinion, but I will say that you live in Farmington, CT, and being that I live in Fairfield, CT, I can tell ya I know the only way a bullet is whizzing by you in Farmington is if Gheorghe Muresan speeds through the town (is that cabbage Gheorghe?). Have you become so assimilated in Farmington that you’re suddenly a rich white man? Nope. But have you lived in that community as long as Oprah’s lived in hers? Nope. 50, I know this is hard, but envision yourself after 20 years of living in the burbs and chill out on Oprah a bit.

Celeb Fight #2: Snoop vs. Suge - This one’s gonna get ugly before it gets better. Snoop made some disparaging remarks about Suge Knight in the latest issue of Rolling Stone. Snoops claims “(I) never was afraid of him. I was afraid I was gonna have to kill him. That's what I was afraid of.” Suge has countered that Snoop is a rat and “when there's trouble, he runs to the police. He throws up and starts crying.” Don’t worry you two, Adam’s here to help. Snoop, stay the fuck away from Suge Knight. This should be common sense for you at this point. Seriously bro, why are you even talking about Suge? Is there anything, and I mean anything, positive that this can lead to for you? That’s a rhetorical question my man, the answer is no. And Suge, don’t say anything about Snoop that may land you in jail again.

Celeb Fight #3: Lindsay vs. Paris – If ever a celebrity beef should be settled at a free clinic it would be this one. Lindsay Lohan, who Brandon Davis once labeled “Fire Crotch,” a phrase we should all be happy has been added to the American lexicon this year, has been talking out of both sides of her mouth when it comes to the one who was once dubbed an “oversized human condom” (that would be Paris Hilton). One day she’s saying Paris hit her, the next day they’re BFF’s, and the day after that they hate each other with a passion. Girls, thank your lucky stars I’m here to help you out. I have two words for you two: Foxy Boxing. Yeah. We all see Paris at the UFC events and Lohan looks to have some fight in her, as well, so strap on the oversized gloves and settle it. Oh yeah, one provision, because you all know how big of a pro wrestling fan I am, loser can’t be seen in public ever again. Now let’s git it on!

Celeb Fight #4: Britney vs. The Underwear Industry – Seriously Britney, I don’t need to see your crotch or your nasty c-section scar ever again (and clearly those links are NSFW). You’ve reached your limit of terrible up-skirt pics for the rest of your life. It’s time to knock on Michael Jordan’s door and invest in some Hanes. And while you’re at it get some lotion for that scar. I know your doctor had to have prescribed something for it other than apple martinis and cosmos.

So there you have it, Adam the mediator. I really feel like I’ve done some good today. There’s nothing like helping to resolve celebrity conflict to invigorate the soul.


posted by Adam Bernard @ 8:15 AM  
  • At 8:51 AM, Anonymous Tim said…

    By now, you know me. I'm not the most socially conscious guy, mainly because I want everyone to just get along and shut the fuck up. Which makes it subtly ironic that a post about feuding gives me joy.

    I think this is the first post I've read of yours that's just pure humor (because no.. I took eulogizing BET Uncut very seriously!)

    I think you might have forgotten two of my personal favorites.
    EVERY RAPPER versus the "hip hop police" plea
    Lil' Kim versus Lil' Cease

  • At 3:51 PM, Blogger Conscious said…

    Some how Adam you managed to be halfway funny.

    Good post.

  • At 12:53 PM, Blogger Hex said…

    What, no boxing match for 50 and Oprah?

    I'd pay to see that!

  • At 10:30 PM, Blogger Mik Nahoy said…

    I get nosebleeds trying to figure out what made the daughter of a hotel chain owner matter in the world.

  • At 1:16 PM, Anonymous Ariel said…

    Okay, Britney Spears displaying her vag for the public is seriously just gross. How could she possibly think that either 1) she wasn't exposed, or 2) that would be good publicity.

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