The OJ Interview – If I Had Done It

This past week there was a whirlwind of controversy, and rightly so, surrounding the almost-aired Fox special (and I’m using special in the loosest possible way) and almost published book, both titled If I Did It where OJ was going to talk about how he would have killed his ex-wife and her boyfriend “had he really done it.” Offensive? Heck yes. Interesting? Not really, since we already saw the trial and know how he did it. We also know how badly the prosecution messed up the case, leading to the not guilty verdict. The Fox special, however, could have been interesting with one little twist, changing the interviewer to yours truly. With that in mind I present The OJ Interview – If I Had Done It.

Adam Bernard: OJ, first off thanks for taking some time off from your search for the real killer to give an in-depth description of your murderous thoughts towards your ex-wife. Before we get to that, however, how is the search for the real killer going?
OJ Simpson: Well, I’ve combed every 18 hole golf course I can get into and let me tell you he, or she, isn’t there. You know you’d be surprised how many places won’t let me in to play a round, I mean search for the killer. I think it’s racial. They’re not letting me in because I’m black. I tell you if I ever get my hand on those golf club admissions people…

Adam Bernard: Speaking of that, if you had gotten your hands on your ex-wife on that fateful night, what would you have done?
OJ Simpson: First of all I wouldn’t have been in no white Bronco. C’mon man, you know they charge extra for the rental of larger cars. This is something I learned from my days working as a pitchman for Hertz. I would have rolled up in a compact car, four doors, nothing fancy, but a knife? C’mon man, I’m a legendary athlete, what do I need a knife for? All I’d need is my offensive line. Everybody knows a running back is only as good as his line. With them helping I would have busted in there like the door was a weak defense, juked Ron Goldman, then picked up Nicole and tossed her through a window.

Adam Bernard: A window? How public.
OJ Simpson: Ha ha, you know how I do. Gotta stay a superstar. And Adam, let me tell you, I think that would have inspired kids. Whenever I see an athlete run up in the stands like Ron Artest I think wow, I’ve really done something, I’ve been an influence. There’s a world full of little OJ’s out there my man and it’s a beautiful thing. They’re just waiting to talk about how they would have murdered their ex-wives… you know, if they had done it.

Adam Bernard: OJ, I’m a little uncomfortable that you just gave me a wink and a nudge after saying that. Now, after you’d have thrown your ex-wife out the window…
OJ Simpson: Aw yeah, that’s when I’d have laid down a classic whoopin of Ron Goldman. Nicole wouldn’t have gotten up so quick from a two story toss so at that point I’d focus on Ron. I’d have toyed with him a bit, but that would get boring after a while, so after that I’d have tossed him out the window, too, landing him right on top of Nicole. That would have made for the perfect looking double suicide and once again OJ would be free to continue with his life.

Adam Bernard: Once again? Is this a confession? Are you saying you really did do it the first time around?
OJ Simpson: Adam have you ever been really mad at your wife?

Adam Bernard: I’m single OJ.
OJ Simpson: I mean really really mad, so mad all you can think about is your massive bloodlust? So mad that you just wanted to…

Adam Bernard: OJ can you please put the banana away?
OJ Simpson: Hey guess what Adam… you’ve been JUICED! Ha ha ha! Oh man did I get you. This is gone be some great footage for my next DVD. I’ll get you a copy my man!

Adam Bernard: That won’t be necessary.
OJ Simpson: Ha ha, you really thought I was gonna come on TV and tell you all about how I would have killed my ex-wife? Maaan did I get you! The Juice is loose! C’mon man, let’s take this banana, make a banana split and kill some white women, I mean thrill some white women, let’s thrill em. My man Kato Kaelin has the car warmed up out back, let’s roll out!

Adam Bernard: No thanks. Well OJ this has been an… interesting sit down.
OJ Simpson: Yeah, one killer interview, right? Ha ha! I’m outta here! The Juice is looooooose!