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Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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F-A-B OH!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006

As most everyone knows by now rapper Fabolous was shot outside of Justin’s, Puffy’s restaurant, last week. Not only was it strange that he was shot in a fairly nice part of the city, and outside of a place I’ve been to a number of times, but the story has taken another odd twist with the news that Celtics guard Sebastian Telfair, who is the younger cousin of Knicks PG Stephon Marbury, may have been involved in the shooting. First of all, this story makes me wish more people had the balls to shoot their least favorite rappers. Second, Telfair’s potential involvement got me to thinking, what if it had been Marbury instead? With Marbury as the gunmen I have a feeling the Fabolous shooting may not have gone exactly as planned. With that in mind, here’s my greatly altered, New York Knicks, version of that very incident.

Stephon Marbury pulls up in his all black Escalade with tinted windows. Onlookers can only see the faint light from the TV screen Sebastian Telfair is playing PS2 on coming from inside the car. The duo jumps out of the pricey SUV to confront Fabolous, the rapper who once claimed “you know who’s keeping it gangsta” only to follow it up with love song after love song (“Trade It All,” “I’m So Into You,” etc.). Marbury gets in Fabolous’ face and carefully asks him about his cousin’s chain, “hey man, waddup with my cousin’s chain!” Fabolous mumbles his reply, “I dunno man, why don’t you move on, don’t you have practice in the morning?” “Practice?” Marbury says quizzically, “you really think I go to practice? Did you see our record last year? I’m only here for a check! Now check yo-self and gimme that chain back and we’ll be all good.” A despondent Fabolous can only muster an explanation of his being at Justin’s on this particular evening. “Man I’m just here for the salmon risotto, you needs to get up out my face.”

After such a comment Marbury pulls back and takes two steps away from Fabolous only to turn around brandishing his gun. “Salmon risotto this mutherfucker!” he screams as he let loose with six shots, all of them missing. Marbury reloads the gun and lets off six more shots, again all misses. Telfair begs his older cousin for the gun but this is Marbury we’re talking about, no matter how many shots he misses there’s no chance he’ll ever pass it to a teammate. “C’mon cuz, you’re missing every time, give me a shot!” “Shuttup man, this time I know I’ll get em! I’m an all-star! I’m Starbury!” Six more shots, six more misses. In the background they hear a low laugh.

“Did you hear that laugh, cuz?” Telfair queried. Marbury’s eyes go down to a slit, “I’d recognize that laugh anywhere. That laugh has plagued me for months now. That’s the laugh of….” All of a sudden a short man comes out from the shadows. “Looking for me Stephon? Need some shooting pointers, or are you still too stubborn to learn?” Telfair’s jaw dropped, “oh shit it’s Larry Brown!” Brown smiled, “ya damn right.” Fabolous and his crew are locked in their places, unable to move, wishing they could run, but feeling the need to continue to watch.

Brown continued his verbal assault. “You never could shoot, Stephon, and you were always afraid to pass away any potential glory. You never were a true point guard.” Marbury, sweating now, starts yelling at his former coach, “shut up! Shut up! It’s not me, it’s the gun, it’s the new kind of gun and it’s slippery, man. I can’t grip it at all!” Brown just smiled, “a good craftsman never blames his tools, Stephon. Here, hand it to me, I’ll show you how it’s done.” Marbury continued to get angry and pointed the gun at Brown. “See you in hell you worthless….” Before he could complete his sentence a shot rang out, but it wasn’t his. Fabolous fell to the ground clutching his leg. Marbury looked at Telfair. Telfair looked at Marbury. They both turned to Larry Brown, but his back was turned and he was walking away leaving only a small puff of smoke in his wake.

It is rumored that Brown could be heard saying “one for one” as he disappeared into the New York night.

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