Behold The Glory Of Beer!

I’m going to tell you all a little story, it’s about beer and how it changed my life. I know some people will tell you tales of how alcohol made them horrible people, but not me, beer has been my best friend and it’s one friend who has helped me accomplish things I never thought I’d do. The story of how beer changed my life begins in my junior year of college.

I didn’t drink very heavily my first two years at school, just the occasional brew, nothing more. It wasn’t until my junior year that I really let loose. Partly because I wanted to, partly because I finally got myself a fake ID, and partly because even though I had a babyface I finally looked old enough to be in a bar (incidentally I still have the babyface and at 27 I still get carded). Needless to say junior year was filled with a lot of interesting Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. One might think, gee Adam, I bet your grades plummeted thanks to all that going out and partying. Well, in the words of the immortal Oscar The Grouch, ding dong, you’re wrong! Not only were my grades not hurt by my drinking, but they went up as my GPA rose almost a full point! All of a sudden I was pulling all A’s and B’s, nothing average about me, and why did this happen? Because of my drinking.

Lemme break this down for ya. OK, so maybe my grades rose because I was finally taking classes I liked rather than the core requirements, but that was really only part of it. My drinking, and my want to go out to the bars, had me finishing all my work early so I could party longer. Yes, that’s right, I was a constructive pre-drunk, and I still am! This is why I can manage to keep up my six pack abs while downing a six pack on the weekends. As Nas said, you can hate me now.

Being a constructive pre-drunk is the key to any good drinking. Get your work done then party. Heck, you got your work done, that’s reason enough to crack open a cold one. This is a life where you truly can work hard and play hard as long as you play it correctly. Not everyone has what it takes, I, like the Highlander, and Buffy The Vampire Slayer, am one of the chosen few. But grades going up and work getting accomplished isn’t all drinking has gifted me with, oh no, there’s more, so much more.

The other day I hurt my neck working out. The final analysis of the injury was a pinched nerve. Now normally I’m not one to take medication. I’ve never been able to take pills due to a complete inability to swallow them and I can’t stand the taste of the liquid medicine. Drastic times called for drastic measures, however, as I was unable to even turn my head to the left or right, which made for some interesting driving adventures. I went to the drug store and asked for the smallest pill they could find. The attractive pharmacist grabbed me some ibuprofen and sent me on my way.

When I got home and opened the package the pills looked extremely small. I was still worried, though, since I was 0 for every damned time I tried to take one. It was at this point that I took a second and thought about something; I can chug a beer now. When I was a kid I had no chugging ability, but thanks to many bottles and cans of beer this was something I could now handle with aplomb. Looking at the pill I knew it could be done. I tossed it in and chugged my water and down it went. My neck felt better and I felt like a winner. And why was I a winner? Because of my drinking!

People like to harass drinkers, but if anyone is hassling you and giving you a hard time, about your drinking just tell them the stories I have told you. Tell them about the man who raised his grades and taught himself how to take essential pain killing pills all thanks to the wonders of beer. Who knows what else I, or anyone else, may accomplish in life due to drinking. All I know is when that accomplishment happens, whether it’s a Rolling Rock, Red Stripe or Guinness, I’ll be crackin open a cold one in celebration.