About Me

Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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Popular Columns

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Saturday, January 24, 2004
According to the "stick and stones" ditty words aren't able to inflict pain, but I'll be damned if thoughts can't

I loathe nights like this. It's Saturday night, 9PM. That's all I know. That's all it may end up being, another day, another number on the clock. There is nothing separating this moment from any of the other moments of mental solitary confinement I've endured in the past. My brain is focused on my brain, and it hurts. Nights like this, when I'm the only one around, when the phone isn't ringing, when the DVD the company sent me to review is flawed and won't go past the first friggin 35 minutes, I'm stuck sitting here with only a roomful of thoughts and mental meanderings that leave me paralyzed, wishing I had the ability to just go to bed at this hour and not wake up until the silence goes away. Funny how things happen. I can't get through a phone conversation with my mother without having firetrucks and police cars go by, but when I need some noise in my life those emergency vehicles are nowhere to be found. What? Finally decided to take a back road? Have my thoughts blocked up the main route? I wouldn't doubt it if they did. Hey, look at that, news at 11, an eight car pileup that was caused when someone had to swerve to miss my thought! At least I'd have a reason to stay up. No, no, on nights like this I sit alone. I could put on a CD, read a book, watch some bad television, put on a movie (you know, one that actually works), but for some reason my brain tells me I wouldn't enjoy any of those things. My brain is my enemy tonight, but how can that be if it is only through the use of my brain that I can know this? Lobotomies are for sissies, I'm stickin with the pain. The pain of not knowing where the heck my life is going. The pain of being alone when all I want to do is fuck the living hell out of someone. Almost anyone will do on nights like this (only females need apply), but please, at least rate a six or higher, I know I do. The pain of feeling like I'm not feeling. The pain of time standing still, or at least moving so fucking slowly that it feels like I can count to a thousand inbetween each individual second. Yeah, the pain. I'll endure it, embrace it, and prepare for it to happen all over again sometime soon, cuz I don't care what the movies say life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's more like bad television, unless it's sweeps you're gonna endure a lotta the same shit you've already seen and been through. A couple days ago I was in sweeps, now it's back to reruns. I'ma have to go see about that program director and crack some skulls. I plan on being back in sweeps sooner rather than later.
posted by Adam Bernard @ 9:25 PM  
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