About Me

Name: Adam Bernard
Home: Fairfield, Connecticut, United States
About Me: Entertainment journalist with 15+ years of experience. Supporter of indie music. Lover of day baseball, fringe movies, & chicken shawarma. Part time ninja. Nerdy, but awesome.
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Popular Columns

The Struggles Foreign Artists Face in the US, & How to Overcome Them


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Turkey Day & A New Dating Concept
Thursday, November 25, 2004
I love to eat the turkey in a big brown shoe! Ah yes, Thanksgiving, my absolute all-time favorite holiday. There’s no gift giving, there’s no savior coming back from the dead, there’s just one fantastic meal, one gloriously fantastic meal. I spent my turkey day with family and even though the football sucked (and I am so sick of Peyton Manning it’s not even funny) it was still a great day!

Later on in the night I was having a conversation with a female friend of mine and we developed an interesting concept regarding dating, which, as any reader of my site knows, is a favorite topic of mine. Both my friend and I live in Connecticut, but spend a lot of time in New York City since it’s only an hour away. For nights in the city, however, we get handcuffed to Metro North’s schedule unless we want to attempt to drive in and find parking. For those of you who don’t know, driving in Manhattan is a terrible idea no matter when the hour is and sometimes parking can either cost a lot, or end up putting you nowhere near where you actually want to be.

I told one of my boys that I may need a place to crash one night soon and he joked that I should just find a local girl to shack up with. I thought, heck, if that’s the case let’s make it a Harlem girl, cuz 125th Street is one stop closer to home. Now bear in mind I would actually lower my standards depending on how close this person lived to the train station. This is something that has now been dubbed "Metro North Goggles." My homegirl who I was telling this to did not scoff at my idea, in fact she liked the concept of "Metro North Goggles." "Metro North Goggles" get in you in a lot less trouble than Beer Goggles and actually provide a service. OK, so the person you may end up sleeping with may not be the pick of the litter, but at least she (or in the case of my female friend, he) would live close enough to a Metro North stop so you could get home easily. With Beer Goggles you’re just sleeping with someone who’s way below your normal standards, there’s no guarantee they’ll live anywhere near a Metro North stop.

I think you get the idea, but here’s further illustration of how it works. You live in Connecticut, so first off you’re only talking about people who live close to stops on the New Haven Line. If you’re talking with someone who doesn’t live near the New Haven Line you’re simply wasting time you could be spending finding a more appropriate hook up for the night. Once you’ve found one person who lives near a stop, see if you can find another who lives a stop or two closer. If you can find multiple people who live near stops you’ll allow yourself a larger pool to choose from at the end of the night and let’s face it, variety is the spice of the life. Once you’ve found your person or people, make sure your game is tight, you don’t want to end up roaming the streets of Manhattan waiting for the 5:40AM train to leave for CT (that’s the next train after the 1:30AM, you’d really think they’d put something in-between). Your "Metro North Goggles" will adjust the person’s beauty, intelligence, personality, etc., based on how close they live to a stop and how close that stop is to you. Suddenly that supermodel who lives in Albany isn’t nearly as attractive as that nauseously skinny bulimic girl from Rowayton. As my animated friends in the Guiness ads would say, BRILLIANT!

Final Thought - I’m completely addicted a television show for the first time in ages. If you haven’t watched House yet on FOX do yourself a favor and check it out! Hugh Laurie rocks as Dr. House and it’s also got Omar Epps in it, who I’ve respected since Juice. First rate show all the way!
posted by Adam Bernard @ 11:45 PM  
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